Episode Two - Bugging the Teacher's Lounge

EPISODE TWO

MEDUSA: Hello, darling. Welcome back to my academy. This story is a recording from my black sluggy peeping bug of our dorky professors, and our ever-vigilant dungeon master, ranting about their work and their very eventful evenings. Don't say I didn't warn you.

MUSIC: THEME SONG.

SOUNDSCAPE: MAGIC SCHOOL STUDY SESSION.

PHIL: Gods, every time I try to save a Chosen One from their own stupidity, they cut straight through me—or perhaps not straight through me—like I'm challenge rating ¼, and just keep pushing forward only to never come back down. Medusa lowers the level of the dungeon every time another Chosen One dies. At this point, the dungeon is so easy that a toddler should easily be able to finish it in five seconds flat, but no. They always get so caught up in their own drama they can’t figure out the most simple logical solutions and I end up adding more bones to the pile in the corner. I'm the one expected to do all the maintenance in the dungeon. I would say 'just kill me now' but I can't die! I hate myself. End rant.

ERICA: So I take it that your day was bad?

PHIL: No worse than usual.

CHARLES: Don't be so down on yourself, dude.

PHIL: I have plenty of reason to be down on myself. Whereas the only thing that could possibly suck about your life is your dating life. Speaking of, how'd the festival go last night?

ERICA: It wasn't the worst date I've ever had.

THEO: Well, it was the worst for me.

ANYA: Yes, it was a very cursed evening.

CHARLES: You guys are exaggerating.

THEO: Oh really? Whose ex-boyfriend was there with his very powerful girlfriend and was taunting us the whole night? Hmm?

CHARLES: Mine.

THEO: And who would have gotten into a duel with him if I hadn't stopped him?

CHARLES: Me.

THEO: And you're telling me that we're exaggerating?

CHARLES: Yeah because it wasn't the worst evening ever. I'm sure that there will be worse days. Besides, I've dealt with my ex before and I'm certain I'll have to deal with him again. But I'm fine with it this time. Do you know why?

THEO: No, but I can guess. You are the king of the melodramatic. Not even our students hold a candle to you.

CHARLES: You always know just what to say, babe. (TO ERICA AND ANYA) What made your evening so cursed?

ANYA: Well, if you must know, Erica and I were having a good time when a kid turned me into a frog. And my girlfriend refused to turn me back.

ERICA: My speciality is divination and I figured you could figure it out yourself.

ANYA: It would have gone faster if you had just kissed me.

ERICA: Eh.

ANYA: You're such a great girlfriend.

ERICA: Come on. Don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same.

ANYA: That’s fair.

PHIL: So it wasn't much different than a normal night out?

CHARLES: Not really, no.

PHIL: Good. I didn't miss anything.

ANYA: Well, the Shady Witch Dude King attempted to recruit more people to his army, but that's also pretty typical too.

ERICA: He changed the style of his pamphlets though.

CHARLES: You took one of his pamphlets, Erica?

ERICA: You can't blame me for being curious.

CHARLES: I thought you were already a part of his army. Why would you need more pamphlets?

ERICA: I wanted to see how his new graphic designer is working out. (TO PHIL) Phil, would you be a doll and hand these out to the students who try to challenge the dungeon? Even if they don’t succeed, they’ll have something to read as they die.

SOUND EFFECT: PAPERS RUSTLE.

PHIL: "Have you heard the word of our lord, the Shady Dude Witch King?"

ERICA: Told you it was a good pamphlet.

CHARLES: (SINCERE) Ooh. Papyrus. Nice.

PHIL: Sure. Whatever. Why not? Just another normal day here at the academy.

MUSIC: THEME SONG.

MEDUSA: Welcome. To Medusa Gorgon's Academy for Young Witches. A podcast about teachers, complaining about 'Chosen Ones' and the people who ruin their date nights. Teachers named Phil Angie who's actually Simone Rodriguez, Erica Thorne who's actually , Anya Doyle who's actually Cheyenne Hart, Charles Eldridge who's actually Matthew Kusche, and Theo Gage who's actually Gunnar Johnson. Today's all school announcement: sometimes you should listen to what people on street corners are shouting. Consider joining the cause. If anything, it'll be good work experience to add to your resume. And no, this is not me speaking from experience. You can become a FULL student of our school by going to patreon.com/rachelrauch. If you do, you could hear us name you as a student in the podcast. That way we can make sure you're paying the correct amount for the tuition. I suppose, though, if you cannot support us financially, you must use the hashtag MedusaGorgonsRoundTable and spread the word by word of mouth, which is some kind of magic, I am told. I'm not sure what witchcraft it is, but our producer and omniscient GM says that it will work. It has to, she says. Now, I have quite a few important things I must be doing such as feeding my snakes. Child, get out of the way unless you want to become stone...If you keep standing there, you'll be asking for it...Don't say I didn't warn you...

SOUND EFFECT (IN THE BACKGROUND): SNAKES HISSING. TURN TO STONE.

MARJORIE: Since Medusa is busy dealing with you, I have been tasked to finish this recording into the void for her. (LOW) Just as I finish most things for her. (CLEARS HER THROAT) We would like to say "Our stories for today have drawn to a close. Ta-ta for now! Keep calm and witch on."