Episode One - Hamilton's The Witching World

EPISODE ONE

MEDUSA: Hello, darlings. And welcome to the Medusa Gorgon's Academy for Young Witches. My academy. And this is not the usual story about Chosen Ones going out to save the day. It's the recordings of dorky characters sitting around having conversations with one another. It might be ethically questionable, but if you want to listen to it, who am I to stop you? Perhaps you'll find it strangely...enchanting...

MUSIC: THEME SONG.

SOUNDSCAPE: SCHOOL ATMOSPHERE. STUDENTS TALKING AND LAUGHING. SPELL CASTING.

SOUND EFFECT: BELL CHIMES THE HOUR.

HAMILTON: This world is chock full of CHAOTIC QUEER DRAMA!!! And it all begins with me, the Chosen One. Welcome. To the Witching World.

AARON: What are you doing?

HAMILTON: I'm recording a podcast about my life here at Medusa Gorgon's Academy.

AARON: You're making a podcast? About your life at magical school?

HAMILTON: People love Harry Potter so why not? Besides, there are lots of podcasts about characters just sitting around a table talking about their lives. Podcasts like Hello from the Magic Tavern, Inn Between, and Welcome to Night Vale. I deserve to be heard just as much as any of them.

SIMONE: (LOW) Yeah. Everyone wants to listen to a podcast about you.

AARON: Those guys are funny. You're not funny. Do you even know what you're doing?

HAMILTON: I thought that I could talk to other people about this because I don't know the first thing about it. Like magic is a thing?

SIMONE: Yes, Hamilton. Magic is a thing.

HAMILTON: Have I had this my entire life?

SIMONE: Yes, Hamilton. You've had it your entire life.

HAMILTON: Then why didn't 't I realised it earlier?

AARON: Because you're as observant as that other magical kid from that other magical school with big round glasses. You know the one. That kid from Hogwash. What's his name again?

JON: Larry Nutter.

AARON: Right. That kid.

SIMONE: It’s not like you can help it. You're just a victim of the Chosen One trope.

HAMILTON: The what? What's that supposed to mean?

SIMONE: As a Chosen One, you cannot unlock your true potential until you reach a certain age. Then a mentor will find you and introduce you to the world of magic. This is tried and true storytelling, it's been focus grouped, and it works.

HAMILTON: Oh.

SIMONE: You still don't get it, do you?

HAMILTON: Not really, no.

SIMONE: You were chosen by a god to save the Sun Kingdom.

AARON: Or they just chose you to swindle money out of you. After all, the previous Chosen Ones who enrolled here have all mysteriously disappeared and they need the money to support the program.

HAMILTON: Wow. Thanks. That's really encouraging.

AARON: Just saying.

SIMONE: I'm sure you'll be fine.

HAMILTON: Do you know why they disappear?

JON: No. It's a mystery.

AARON: Just the usual Chosen One stuff. They fall in love with their other halves; they get themselves killed by idiotically going into dungeons. That kind of stuff.

HAMILTON: Right. Of course.

SIMONE: But that won't happen with you. Usually the love interest is straight in front of you.

HAMILTON: So what's going to happen to me?

SIMONE: Nothing if you don't go looking for trouble. But then again, there can't really be any story if you don't. So...what do you want to do next time? Go on a dungeon crawl?

HAMILTON: Why should we do that? You just said that I'll be able to stay alive, but only if I don't go looking for trouble, and going on a dungeon crawl sounds like looking for trouble.

SIMONE: No one would get anywhere if we didn't go looking for trouble. And they who hesitate are lost.

AARON: Are you quoting A Series of Unfortunate Events at us?

SIMONE: Perhaps.

HAMILTON: What's to be gained by going on one?

SIMONE: 100 gold, the most powerful wand in the Witching World, et cetera. If nothing else, you might be able to gain enough experience points to level up so you're less squishy.

AARON: The most powerful wand in the Witching World, huh? Interesting...I may be inclined to join you.

HAMILTON: Why has my rival assimilated into my friend group?

SIMONE: I'm not entirely sure. This one's pretty unprecedented. But he may prove useful. After all, he is another body to block attacks.

HAMILTON: Huh. And you? Are you coming?

SIMONE: Sure. Got nothing better to do.

JON: I go wherever you go. I just hope I have more of a part in the second episode.

HAMILTON: I hope so too. Come, my friends. Adventure awaits!

AARON: That catchphrase doesn’t seem right.

SIMONE: I agree with Aaron, and you know how much I hate to agree with him. We'll keep workshopping it.

HAMILTON: Okay.

MUSIC: THEME SONG.

MEDUSA: Welcome. To Medusa Gorgon's Academy for Young Witches. A podcast about witches. Not wizards and witches. Just witches named Hamilton Alexander who's actually Donovan Klega, Aaron Moriarty who's actually Chris Gettel-Martin, Simone Cringer who's actually Kirsten Schuele-Van Aken, and Jon Watsy who's actually Ben Martin. Today's all school announcement: Don't let the modern media fool you. Your Harry Potter was a witch, not a wizard. He probably even went to our school, but I don’t actually know nor do I actually care. You can become a supporter of our school at patreon.com/rachelrauch, not that you aren't already. And you can follow us on all the realms of...social media…by searching for Medusa Gorgon's Academy for Young Witches and by leaving us good reviews and ratings on your podcasting feed. I'm not sure what speciality of magic this is, but our producer and omniscient GM says that it will help us get more people interested. Ta-ta! Keep calm and witch on.